And when I was sick? Where were you then? Where have you been? Where I go to seek you, will you be there? Where will I go to seek you out? The mountain? The valley? When I am there, where will you be? In me? In the leaves or the sky or the grass? In the heights? In the depths?

I guess if the past is a dead man, I'll always be performing CPR on him. It's gotten pretty disgusting lately, what with the rotting and decay, but I cannot let him go. Sure, sometimes I give up, stand up and take some steps away, but I seem to end up kneeling again aside the bloated carcass.

Even in my steps away he is what I'm thinking about. I'm thinking that no matter what the truth really is I will forever be deceived by myself and better off for it. Even if I can't run from my deficiencies I can at least hide. Perhaps they will catch me eventually, and so be it. But for now I will convince myself of the right things in just the right places.

I can't take a compliment. If it would help you understand I'd do it. But it won't, nothing ever will, so I don't try. It's not that I don't believe what you say, it's just I believe you to be mistaken. Everyone is wrong. Everyone's wrong about what matters and that's all that matters. I'll never really be the type of man I am. I am not anyone's type. Anyone is my type, and around and around and around. But it's not like I try. It's not like I try to be cryptic. It just is. I just am.

I've gotten pretty disgusting lately, what with the rotting and decay. Just wait until I mean it.

Do you believe in me?

The earth is shifting, even if I cannot feel it. There is a glacier moving through my life. It is scraping all the stone off the top, crushing and tumbling and depositing all the substance of me in places I don't think it belongs. But I have no say in the result, I can no more stop it than I can melt it.

When I look back on my life what will I dwell on? All the romantic things I remember with disdain. Not because of what it meant to feel them, but what it feels like to only remember. It's not the romantic things that eat at me, but the remembering. We only remember what we no longer have.

Can you prove a desire? I think we can desire things, but we can never demonstrate our desire. You can hold hands, but it might just be to stay in place. You can hold her, but it might just be to keep warm. It all starts where it ends.

I remember Her. Her is not a flesh and blood; not a mind or a soul. Her exists within me. When we have Her sad songs have a strange effect on us. We mourn how those songs once made us feel, how we know we will feel again one day when Her disappears. Yet we rejoice always that we have Her now. Even as our eyes narrow and hearts flood with the sorrow we remember and the sorrow we foresee, we are numb to it now. Her is fleeting. I remember Her. I just wish I didn't.

Let it not be that I get what I deserve, even if that is what I want. I can’t talk to you; you are inescapable. It is of no use; there is not an end. Bothering all the time with where am I, how are you, what will be, and most importantly, what has been.

What can’t ever be? Can it be there is never a we, always, only, a me? And what is me? A collection, vast and above time, of all we’s. The we that cannot be is the only we that matters to me. Blasphemy.

Again, ignore. Brush it aside as one and once and for all. I just want to give it all away. I don’t want what you taught me, I don’t want to remember anything anymore. I just want it gone. I want one. And you took that from me. I took that from we.

God, if I become anything, let it be that I become something who trusts all things, instead of something who reviles all things. Let it be that I become all things; it is my separation from all things that takes everything from me. It’s not that I hate what I am, it’s that I hate what I’m not.

This all starts outside the window and collapses toward my widow. For there may be some woman who has already lost her husband to all this. She’ll never know, but does that prevent a tragedy? It doesn’t seem so.


In some future (perhaps the one that begins at the end of this sentence), I will be something worth confiding in.

Triad

I lost you last night. I’m not sure what is mine to lose anymore,
but I lost you. And it hurt, but not that bad.
It seems your heart has gone from living, vibrant, pumping in my hands
to ash. You’re crumbling and
swirling about with the soft breeze that turns up my
collar. Bones around which our flesh once hung now
pound drums in mourning of all I never could have been.
I hope these are the last,
last bubbles of air escaping as my
hands hold our head under water,
last time I’ll turn in my sleep and turn myself back
over to the suffocating, gasping
last breath of you
and I.

I became a machine of valid
and invalid,
ought
and ought not.
And for naught.
Gears and cogs
gear up to bring down the pendulum
first across my pride, then back into
my soul. Ticking slowly,
stopping not.

Amid this most fruitless wandering I
Find a wasteless way.
Two roads diverged in a wood and I
Sat right down between them.
Choosing neither and hating both.
But furrowed brow and bitten tongue could
Never have made it known
To me that all roads here before lead but to one
Unknown, that all roads here before lead but to
Home.

The pain is in my foot.
My foot is in my shoe.
Therefore, the pain is in my shoe.

Question of the day: What makes God praiseworthy?

I don't have a good answer to this yet. I'm still working on it. I feel like my worldview and faith demand that I have a response to this question. Maybe you could throw in your opinions to help me out? But please do it anonymously so I can play devil's advocate without anything being personal.

I like to bathe in the satisfaction I get from being dissatisfied. It's a warm soak, but the air is always cold against my body when I get out of the tub. It's the tragedy of my life to strive for what is Good only for all the wrong reasons. I keep you at a distance; far enough to function, but close enough to hope that you might see what I become and be bothered by it.

My God, stand back and take a look at the wreck of a man this soul has become, a waste of all he has been given. He holds the inverse of Descartes. "No one shall bring it about that I am something, so long as I think I am nothing".

"Behold! I make all things new." Revelation 21:5

It's salivation. That's what it is. It's desire and shaking and some kind of hurt from God only knows where. I can't claw my way out. I look at these hands and they're useless, I'm useless. Just when I feel like I'm holding on I realize that I've grown too tired to pull myself up. I'm bringing all things down upon myself. I choose this. Eventually, I choose this.

Is what I am worth all this? Can I really attain anything in this world, or even the next? Would it "be better for him if he were never born"? I'm pushing, pulling and fighting and still "the truth" seems empty and THE TRUTH seems far from me. Am I under attack? Or already underground?

What follows doesn't mean anything:

I am a product of my environment. The weather is cooling (at least in the mornings) and so is my temperament. I don't know which is the cause and which is the effect. Suffice it to say things are approaching. So far I've been pretty good about reacting. Not so much with acting. I think I am changing the weather with my thoughts. Where I am changes where I am going. It's pulling at my feet, gravity and all the rest. This building is ten stories tall and I'm eleven. Shatter. A thin film covers my body, my body is stretched out like film. Reeling on and reeling off. Ought and ought not. "Shortcuts: press Ctrl with: Y = Yesterday". Expansion and extension. I think it's different now. Seems more like me, more like who past me thought future me would be. Back when it was "her this" and "she that" it was more like we and less like me. Singing with a whole heart and letting the blood drops define your art. It has become. It is becoming. It is circumference. And area. Volume. In decibels. And cubic centimeters. Expansion and extension. Flexion. Digression. Repeat and repeat. Et Cetera. Et Alia.

I wonder if I've gotten better in the past few months. I think there are a few people who would actually be able to tell me the Truth. Sort of "time capsule" people. Am I somehow more like myself than I once was? I know myself better. I know what I want. I don't know if I am what I want to be. Or if I'm on the track to get there. Or if there can be a track. Do you ever call someone the wrong name? Do you ever really want to call someone the wrong name? What does that say about your relationship with that person? Or what does it say about your relationship with the person who's name you actually used? I cherish old times. The romance of my life was stronger then, everything fit in place. There will come a day when I cherish these times. It will be when I cannot get them back, and after I have lamented this fact. Until then I'll be calm, and pretend to be angry, pretend to be frustrated and grind my teeth. My hair will get long and my teeth will get long and the minutes and seconds I use to measure my life will get long.

Coming soon: "Philosophy and Faith". Here's and excerpt:

"I hope this to be coherent, and I plan to exert excessive effort to clarify my position and answer every possible question: both for myself and for anyone who desires to know how I can say in the same breath that all the arguments I’ve heard for God’s existence suck AND that I believe with my whole heart and mind that He is my Creator and Savior."

This will be my work for the month of September.

I'm not sure where I stand. Moments of clarity are important, but so are moments confusion. This is simply momentary. Life is swimming along at a fairly regular clip, so. Before each semester begins, I start feeling ambitious. I just want to take on the whole world. Maybe that's and exaggeration. Yeah, it totally is. The feeling is more that I just want to use myself fully. Even if that accomplishes nothing. I'm so tired of feeling lazy. I want to fall asleep every night exhausted. I will only be young once. Am I using my youth?

I have nothing to say.

Found it.

I wanted to find some time to write something before I left. I guess I found it. I suppose I'm looking for something. I don't think it's an answer, I think it's more like something to hold fast against. I think I need something to help my define myself; some stability. I need a rescue. I don't need cliches. I know where it is, I just need to find it. God help me.

This won't have a happy ending. You won't be able to wash this away with a shower. I've become judge and jury. Might as well take a good look now while you still can. Nothing I say means anything. What's it gonna take for you to believe that?

Look, I don't really have anything to say. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm choking all the time. It's sort of like there is something stuck in the back of my throat that I can't get out. I just thought that me one year ago is better than me today. So far I like 2008 austin better than 2009 austin. 2008 austin had more going for him, I think. Who am I kidding, 2008 austin would have said the same thing about 2007 austin. I'll have to find someway to just be content with the thought that I'll never be content. I'm never gonna be what I want to be, because what I want to be is something different. And at the same time, change sucks. Freshman year is over and I'm not happy. I'm not happy. Good thing too, 'cuz I'm boring when I'm happy. Want proof? Read my livejournals from senior year. Boring as hell. Happy people are always too caught up in their own happiness to worry about telling other people about it. Sad people are much less self-centered. They give their emotions out freely. At least, I do. I think I'm a pretty transparent guy. I don't think I like that though. I can't take it as a compliment because I said it about myself. I won't think it's true or a good thing until someone else says it to me. Who do you trust? I trust strangers more than I trust myself. And apparently I trust myself much more than I trust God. Seems kinda like an upside down pyramid, don't it? I'm not sure where I am. I'll tell you what you wanna know, but you'll have to ask first. I think it's funny when people try to make fun of "emo kids" by saying things like "no one understands me". They say it like everyone understands them. But no one does. And if someone claimed to, they'd probably get mad and say something like "you don't know me" and act all tough like nails. But how well can we really know each other? You could know me for my whole life and never "figure me out". And that's not because I think I'm such a complex and wonderful guy, it's because what I am is always changing. I don't think the same way today as I did yesterday. So maybe love isn't about finding the "right person" who "really gets me" and "loves me for who I am". Maybe it's about finding someone who will somehow adore every different person I become. And if she's a total hottie, that helps too. Man, beauty is such a fleeting thing. Everyone who's "a total knockout" today will someday be old and ugly or old and dead. And no one will care what they used to look like. But we're still hopelessly impaled on the things that catch our eyes. I can't look away. The world is Sodom, and I'm a pillar of salt. My glasses have smudges all over them. It makes everything blurry. But for some reason I haven't cleaned them off. I like that it adds a different perspective to everything. Somethimes I think that I'll one day grow up and everything in my life will flatline. I won't have these ups and downs and everything will just be consistent. I don't know, that doesn't sound like it's really that likely. Speaking of senses, I hate smell. I hate it because it does more harm to me than good. It makes me remember all these things I just want to forget. And not just events or details like lying in bed or what her hair smelt like, but feelings like how everything was just so safe. But it's just memories now, and it's not worth a damn. Couldn't trade 'em for a paperclip. Not in this economy anyway. Apparently, things are rough. Other people know this from looking at the numbers that follow "INDU" on TV or in the newspapers or by the numbers in their bank accounts. I know this by people's faces at gas stations or in grocery stores when their kids ask for a candy bar. The good news is, things go up and down. Things can't stay like this forever. And even if they do, it'll just become the norm and Hershey's will stop making candy bars. I can get used to anything. Even life. Even life without candy bars. It all just glosses over.

Dig in deep to bring back everything you've buried.
It means much more to drop all the hate you've carried.

Blind all the cameras and drop all the pens,
Step backwards, green eyes open.

If nothing else, at the very least, and for the sake of waking,
give me something to stop the shaking.

There's a difference between being over and moving on,
But I fear without the pain life's no fun.

I started writing something here, but decided to work on it a little more. Sorry.

How interesting. There are many things I've done that I'm not proud of. I could weep. I could promise myself a million things and break a million and one promises. I just want to feel my spirit move once more. I want to roll down the windows of my life and put my hand out into the breathing air. I can almost feel the exuberance I had in those days. I miss what you were to me. I miss what you made me believe about this world. Maybe I'll believe it again. Then again, maybe I'll find a way to shatter something good once more.

There are many things that are not my fault. But I'll blame myself anyway. It's more comfortable to go on thinking I'm a destroyer than to believe that sad things just happen. If I'm evil I can be forgiven and I can change. If the world is just sad then that's the way things will always be. Why would I wake up to that world tomorrow?

"While the sinners sin, the children play."

I'm sorry I hurt you. I had to do it. I couldn't handle my own pain.

"We will burn for this. We will both of us burn."

Life has been crazy lately. This past weekend I witnessed the marriages of two very important women in my life. Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Barcleezy and Mr. and Mrs. Landeezy. Both weddings made me think a lot about my life and what the future holds for me. It was beautiful. Anne led me so much throughout my high school life, and I can truly say that the Lord used her instrumentally in making me the man I am today. Courtney has always been a guiding voice and example of what it means to go where you are called to go. Mike's love for her is all-encompassing and is really amazing to watch. I'm excited for both couples.

Getting to hang out with my brothers during all the wedding madness was really awesome. They are some of the funniest people I know, and I feel so blessed to consider my brothers among my best friends. I know many people are not so fortunate, so I thank God for them every chance I get.

Many awesome things are coming up for me as well. There is a strong possibility that I'll be playing guitar for Red Letter Drive in the near future. I'm pretty stoked for that. Their new recording is bomb, and I think with lots of hard work that band could become a force to be reckoned with locally, if not nationally (I'll keep my fingers crossed, for caleb's sake). It's going to be fun to rock out with those dudes and build a name with them. Also, I learned today that I am officially on summer staff at lost canyon from May 22 to June 21. I'm really excited for that. The Lord has always used my time at Lost Canyon to do serious work in my life, and I am certain He will continue that trend this summer. Also, I've heard that as of now the summer staff for that session consists of 4 guys and around 24 girls. Now, I would never go into something like this looking for a relationship, but those sound like good odds for me to meet some really cool girls.

Furthermore, everytime the song "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. comes up on shuffle I let it play. I NEVER skip it. Just thought I'd let you know.

It's much better that we're strangers now.

So, I'm officially on spring break. woo. So far the only thing I've done is have a jam session with my two younger brothers. Look out Jo-Bros.

Lord, You mean everything to me. I lay my life down at Your feet.

Good Lord.

I wasn't sure if I'd make it through this day. Several times I almost broke down. I'm not sure how I'm possibly holding all this together, so I must not be. I'm running strictly on the Love of Christ at this point, and that's fine with me. He's guiding me through everything, I know that now. It doesn't make it easy but it does make it good. I'm learning to be comfortable in my own skin. It's a lesson that's been a long time coming. I am what I am (Freakin' Ellison) and the sooner I just embrace it, the better off I'll be. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. Without it we cannot function. We get bogged down in "what if's" and "shouldas" and "I wish".

For the past few days I haven't been interested much in moving on. I wanted to live in the past, reliving the things that once were. Or I wanted to live in some kind of fabricated future where I made all the rules and everything always went my way. Both of those led me straight to Hell. I just want to take things as they come.

I will be eternally grateful to everyone who is continuing to hold me together day by day. You may not realize it, but you are saving my life.

This is why family is so important to me. Someone once remarked to me about my connection with my family that I should "cut the cord". I'm glad that person is not in my life anymore. It seems they didn't really know me. Friends and relationships come and go (as, in fact, this one did) but my family will always be my family. No matter what, they will always have my best interest at heart. They will always look out for me, even if I'm not looking out for myself. I love that I have such a strong connection with my family. It's part of who I am.

Isn't interesting that we often cannot see what we really are, but those close to us can always seem to see the beautiful things about us. I think my inability to see my own strengths has often led me into the bouts of depression I sometimes struggle with as well as my general lack of self esteem.

It wasn't until my brother pointed it out that I really understood how much justice means to me. That word has so much power. And I never really noticed how much I value peace between people. The older I get, the stronger pull of those two forces becomes in my life. I feel that is why I feel such a strong pull toward the law. The law secures peace and provides a means for justice against those who would destroy that peace. I want to be a part of that. And I feel that the Lord has equipped me to do so. The fact that I can be argumentative, stubborn, and that I am skeptical of the nature of people are attributes that can make me a useful tool in preserving peace and ensuring justice.

Someone told me today that I look "rugged".

Part of me enjoys talking to homeless men. While everyone else attempts to mask their misery in happiness or their happiness in misery, vagrants wear themselves on their sleeves. They’ve nothing to hide, and always seem willing to share their story. Outside a Jack In The Box in Newport Beach I met just such a man. Though he was obviously unstable, he said two words that gave me what Eric Susser would call a “huh?” moment. After telling me about how his wife divorced him and how he had to leave Washington to keep himself from killing his mentally retarded son-in-law, he said “No regrets”. Now I don’t really know if that’s something he tells himself to make life easier or if he truly doesn’t regret anything in life, but the fact that he is even able to consider the possibility that he had lived his sixty years without doing anything his would take back got me thinking.

I regret lots of things. But I suppose that I mostly regret the outcome of my decisions more than the fact that I made those decisions. I wish things had turned out differently for us, but I don’t really believe I could have done anything to change what happened.

Today for the first time I think I really understood that part of me is Evil. I’ve always known and never disputed the fact that I do bad things or have done bad things, but today I noticed that it’s more than just doing the wrong thing because I’m ignorant of the right thing or because I made an honest mistake. Today I caught myself wanting to cause emotional harm to someone just for the sake of making them miserable. I want to be a black hole sucking everyone else in. It’s interesting for me to explore the duality of my nature. I know that most of the time I want to see good done, I want peace and justice. But when I desire what is right and still I must suffer, I get angry. And I want to bring everyone down with me. When I feel alone I want everyone to feel alone. I’m full of darkness.

I'm falling asleep to the sound of the ocean tonight. Seems that everything is going to be ok.

I feel like I'm driving through a series of hills. I go up and down frequently throughout each day. But the highs are starting to feel higher and the lows are coming less frequently. I think this is how the process goes. I'm just learning. But I'm also learning that I love my friends. And I love that my personality dictates that I surround myself with a small group that I can grow to know deeply. I've never really had a large group of friends, and sometimes that bothers me. But now I'm learning that I'd feel really alone right now if I had that. I wouldn't have the people that I can turn to with anything in my life. I'm learning each day that God made me the way He did for a reason, and I should cherish it instead of wishing I were something else.

I am bearing witness to life acted out on a stage. I reach out and my fingertips graze the edge of the actress' dress as she twirls about on her toes. She's graceful and sad. I'm breathless and colorless. I'm drugged and dragged through each scene. I slump back in my chair and my mouth hangs open. I, I...


My God, my life is in your hands. Go easy on me?

I loved you.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said,

“My son, the battle is between two “wolves” inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

So I'm building an army. All that is required for enlistment is affliction due to emotion. I figure that pretty much includes everyone, so I'm not sure who we're going to fight. I'd say that we'd fight that which afflicts us, but if you're truly a soldier you know that you don't want to do that. You love your affliction. And you've resigned your fate to it. You know that it will take your life, or already has.

God, I'll embrace this until the end. I don't even care. I just really like hurting. Ridiculous.

I've really enjoyed finding companionship because of this. No one feels exactly like I do, but we all have some in common. I love connecting to that. There is so much beauty in all our pains. It thrills me.

There is nothing quite as enjoyable as sitting in a hot tub at a really nice resort at midnight in the rain with good friends. It was so relaxing to watch the steam roll off the water and float up into the wet night sky. At the same time it's exciting to know you are reveling in something that is not really meant for you. It's thrilling to break the rules, even if it's in a very small way.

"You're the cure and the disease, the vice I still need, the cast and the break in my bones. You're the life that's worth living, the hurt and forgiving. You're Jesus to the demons you put in my head." I know, it seems like such a tortured existence, but maybe that's what I want. So what if I want to pick and scratch at my scabs to make them bleed? They're my scabs to pick. I understand the consequences. Just let me be. It's thrilling to break the rules, even if I know it'll hurt me.

Ugh, that sounds so disgusting. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm going to make scars if I do that. And they may never go away.

What do I want to trust?

In other news, the weather today is just wonderful. I love the white clouds and cool breeze. The whole world seems so clear. It almost makes me feel like nothing could possibly be hiding from me that I couldn't seek out and find. I spent some time sitting by the fireplace in the MU reading Candide and wondering about life. It was really beautiful. On my way there I was feeling sort of depressed (see second paragraph) and then a little kid almost ran into me and it immediately changed me mood. My skin still smells like salt from the pool last night. The rain didn't wash it all off. Thank God.

The jacket I'm wearing doesn't really fit me properly. If I put my arms out it feels really tight at my shoulders. But I'm wearing it anyway because I like how it looks. And even if it's not always comfortable, at least I'm comforted by the fact that it makes me feel good. This is a metaphor.

Last night I ran around downtown phx dressed as a cow. Don't believe me? I got picture evidence. It was really fun to act like a complete idiot. I also got to see almost every high school friend I had last night at Chris' show. Oh, and drunk Howie Mandel was there too, grinding on a heavyset woman and dancing with his chest hair wafting with every motion of his arms. Awesome.

Life is hard. It seems like everywhere I turn there is pain. Things are up and down for everyone. I wonder if we will ever really find what we are looking for, and if we'll even know it when we see it.

Tonight is my sister's birthday party. Should be applebach-tacular.

I wonder if self-discovery is ever intentional. It seems more like something that just happens. The circumstances of life act upon us and we discover what we’re made of or who we are. Life is like a river cutting a canyon through the bedrock of our souls. But what I cannot decide is whether we are predisposed to the river carving certain twists and beds where it meets harder or softer rock, or whether our final appearance is determined by the course the river takes.

I am of two minds: first, it seems to me that we are all instilled with a personality that pervades throughout our entire existence and life slowly reveals it a little at a time. That is, we are sculptures already existing within the marble block, just waiting to be revealed. I believe this because I feel that certain qualities were instilled within me from birth. Even as a child my parents tell me I exhibited many of the same qualities I currently possess. In this case, I am what I am. I am unalterable in any appreciable way and as the river of life erodes deeper and deeper into the bedrock, it will expose that which was always waiting to be exposed. Self-discovery is simply a matter of waiting and watching.

But then again, my temperament has obviously changed over time. Day by day I feel that I have a better handle on my emotions, that I think differently this year than I did last year. I’ve become less cynical, more hopeful. I’ve been transformed by the renewing of my mind. In this case, I can be anything. I am a ball of wax that can be melted, molded. I can change color, scent, appearance. Opaque one day, transparent the next. I am change.

Whatever the case, I am a man of extremes learning to find moderation. I see black and white, and the world is grey. It needs not be one or the other. Maybe it is both. The river changes course and can encounter weak spots of rock which are more easily shaped. Does life reveal myself to me or create me? It doesn’t really matter.