There is nothing quite as enjoyable as sitting in a hot tub at a really nice resort at midnight in the rain with good friends. It was so relaxing to watch the steam roll off the water and float up into the wet night sky. At the same time it's exciting to know you are reveling in something that is not really meant for you. It's thrilling to break the rules, even if it's in a very small way.

"You're the cure and the disease, the vice I still need, the cast and the break in my bones. You're the life that's worth living, the hurt and forgiving. You're Jesus to the demons you put in my head." I know, it seems like such a tortured existence, but maybe that's what I want. So what if I want to pick and scratch at my scabs to make them bleed? They're my scabs to pick. I understand the consequences. Just let me be. It's thrilling to break the rules, even if I know it'll hurt me.

Ugh, that sounds so disgusting. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm going to make scars if I do that. And they may never go away.

What do I want to trust?

In other news, the weather today is just wonderful. I love the white clouds and cool breeze. The whole world seems so clear. It almost makes me feel like nothing could possibly be hiding from me that I couldn't seek out and find. I spent some time sitting by the fireplace in the MU reading Candide and wondering about life. It was really beautiful. On my way there I was feeling sort of depressed (see second paragraph) and then a little kid almost ran into me and it immediately changed me mood. My skin still smells like salt from the pool last night. The rain didn't wash it all off. Thank God.