Good Lord.

I wasn't sure if I'd make it through this day. Several times I almost broke down. I'm not sure how I'm possibly holding all this together, so I must not be. I'm running strictly on the Love of Christ at this point, and that's fine with me. He's guiding me through everything, I know that now. It doesn't make it easy but it does make it good. I'm learning to be comfortable in my own skin. It's a lesson that's been a long time coming. I am what I am (Freakin' Ellison) and the sooner I just embrace it, the better off I'll be. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. Without it we cannot function. We get bogged down in "what if's" and "shouldas" and "I wish".

For the past few days I haven't been interested much in moving on. I wanted to live in the past, reliving the things that once were. Or I wanted to live in some kind of fabricated future where I made all the rules and everything always went my way. Both of those led me straight to Hell. I just want to take things as they come.

I will be eternally grateful to everyone who is continuing to hold me together day by day. You may not realize it, but you are saving my life.

This is why family is so important to me. Someone once remarked to me about my connection with my family that I should "cut the cord". I'm glad that person is not in my life anymore. It seems they didn't really know me. Friends and relationships come and go (as, in fact, this one did) but my family will always be my family. No matter what, they will always have my best interest at heart. They will always look out for me, even if I'm not looking out for myself. I love that I have such a strong connection with my family. It's part of who I am.

Isn't interesting that we often cannot see what we really are, but those close to us can always seem to see the beautiful things about us. I think my inability to see my own strengths has often led me into the bouts of depression I sometimes struggle with as well as my general lack of self esteem.

It wasn't until my brother pointed it out that I really understood how much justice means to me. That word has so much power. And I never really noticed how much I value peace between people. The older I get, the stronger pull of those two forces becomes in my life. I feel that is why I feel such a strong pull toward the law. The law secures peace and provides a means for justice against those who would destroy that peace. I want to be a part of that. And I feel that the Lord has equipped me to do so. The fact that I can be argumentative, stubborn, and that I am skeptical of the nature of people are attributes that can make me a useful tool in preserving peace and ensuring justice.

Someone told me today that I look "rugged".