It's salivation. That's what it is. It's desire and shaking and some kind of hurt from God only knows where. I can't claw my way out. I look at these hands and they're useless, I'm useless. Just when I feel like I'm holding on I realize that I've grown too tired to pull myself up. I'm bringing all things down upon myself. I choose this. Eventually, I choose this.

Is what I am worth all this? Can I really attain anything in this world, or even the next? Would it "be better for him if he were never born"? I'm pushing, pulling and fighting and still "the truth" seems empty and THE TRUTH seems far from me. Am I under attack? Or already underground?