Good Lord.

I wasn't sure if I'd make it through this day. Several times I almost broke down. I'm not sure how I'm possibly holding all this together, so I must not be. I'm running strictly on the Love of Christ at this point, and that's fine with me. He's guiding me through everything, I know that now. It doesn't make it easy but it does make it good. I'm learning to be comfortable in my own skin. It's a lesson that's been a long time coming. I am what I am (Freakin' Ellison) and the sooner I just embrace it, the better off I'll be. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. Without it we cannot function. We get bogged down in "what if's" and "shouldas" and "I wish".

For the past few days I haven't been interested much in moving on. I wanted to live in the past, reliving the things that once were. Or I wanted to live in some kind of fabricated future where I made all the rules and everything always went my way. Both of those led me straight to Hell. I just want to take things as they come.

I will be eternally grateful to everyone who is continuing to hold me together day by day. You may not realize it, but you are saving my life.

This is why family is so important to me. Someone once remarked to me about my connection with my family that I should "cut the cord". I'm glad that person is not in my life anymore. It seems they didn't really know me. Friends and relationships come and go (as, in fact, this one did) but my family will always be my family. No matter what, they will always have my best interest at heart. They will always look out for me, even if I'm not looking out for myself. I love that I have such a strong connection with my family. It's part of who I am.

Isn't interesting that we often cannot see what we really are, but those close to us can always seem to see the beautiful things about us. I think my inability to see my own strengths has often led me into the bouts of depression I sometimes struggle with as well as my general lack of self esteem.

It wasn't until my brother pointed it out that I really understood how much justice means to me. That word has so much power. And I never really noticed how much I value peace between people. The older I get, the stronger pull of those two forces becomes in my life. I feel that is why I feel such a strong pull toward the law. The law secures peace and provides a means for justice against those who would destroy that peace. I want to be a part of that. And I feel that the Lord has equipped me to do so. The fact that I can be argumentative, stubborn, and that I am skeptical of the nature of people are attributes that can make me a useful tool in preserving peace and ensuring justice.

Someone told me today that I look "rugged".

Part of me enjoys talking to homeless men. While everyone else attempts to mask their misery in happiness or their happiness in misery, vagrants wear themselves on their sleeves. They’ve nothing to hide, and always seem willing to share their story. Outside a Jack In The Box in Newport Beach I met just such a man. Though he was obviously unstable, he said two words that gave me what Eric Susser would call a “huh?” moment. After telling me about how his wife divorced him and how he had to leave Washington to keep himself from killing his mentally retarded son-in-law, he said “No regrets”. Now I don’t really know if that’s something he tells himself to make life easier or if he truly doesn’t regret anything in life, but the fact that he is even able to consider the possibility that he had lived his sixty years without doing anything his would take back got me thinking.

I regret lots of things. But I suppose that I mostly regret the outcome of my decisions more than the fact that I made those decisions. I wish things had turned out differently for us, but I don’t really believe I could have done anything to change what happened.

Today for the first time I think I really understood that part of me is Evil. I’ve always known and never disputed the fact that I do bad things or have done bad things, but today I noticed that it’s more than just doing the wrong thing because I’m ignorant of the right thing or because I made an honest mistake. Today I caught myself wanting to cause emotional harm to someone just for the sake of making them miserable. I want to be a black hole sucking everyone else in. It’s interesting for me to explore the duality of my nature. I know that most of the time I want to see good done, I want peace and justice. But when I desire what is right and still I must suffer, I get angry. And I want to bring everyone down with me. When I feel alone I want everyone to feel alone. I’m full of darkness.

I'm falling asleep to the sound of the ocean tonight. Seems that everything is going to be ok.

I feel like I'm driving through a series of hills. I go up and down frequently throughout each day. But the highs are starting to feel higher and the lows are coming less frequently. I think this is how the process goes. I'm just learning. But I'm also learning that I love my friends. And I love that my personality dictates that I surround myself with a small group that I can grow to know deeply. I've never really had a large group of friends, and sometimes that bothers me. But now I'm learning that I'd feel really alone right now if I had that. I wouldn't have the people that I can turn to with anything in my life. I'm learning each day that God made me the way He did for a reason, and I should cherish it instead of wishing I were something else.

I am bearing witness to life acted out on a stage. I reach out and my fingertips graze the edge of the actress' dress as she twirls about on her toes. She's graceful and sad. I'm breathless and colorless. I'm drugged and dragged through each scene. I slump back in my chair and my mouth hangs open. I, I...


My God, my life is in your hands. Go easy on me?

I loved you.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said,

“My son, the battle is between two “wolves” inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

So I'm building an army. All that is required for enlistment is affliction due to emotion. I figure that pretty much includes everyone, so I'm not sure who we're going to fight. I'd say that we'd fight that which afflicts us, but if you're truly a soldier you know that you don't want to do that. You love your affliction. And you've resigned your fate to it. You know that it will take your life, or already has.

God, I'll embrace this until the end. I don't even care. I just really like hurting. Ridiculous.

I've really enjoyed finding companionship because of this. No one feels exactly like I do, but we all have some in common. I love connecting to that. There is so much beauty in all our pains. It thrills me.

There is nothing quite as enjoyable as sitting in a hot tub at a really nice resort at midnight in the rain with good friends. It was so relaxing to watch the steam roll off the water and float up into the wet night sky. At the same time it's exciting to know you are reveling in something that is not really meant for you. It's thrilling to break the rules, even if it's in a very small way.

"You're the cure and the disease, the vice I still need, the cast and the break in my bones. You're the life that's worth living, the hurt and forgiving. You're Jesus to the demons you put in my head." I know, it seems like such a tortured existence, but maybe that's what I want. So what if I want to pick and scratch at my scabs to make them bleed? They're my scabs to pick. I understand the consequences. Just let me be. It's thrilling to break the rules, even if I know it'll hurt me.

Ugh, that sounds so disgusting. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm going to make scars if I do that. And they may never go away.

What do I want to trust?

In other news, the weather today is just wonderful. I love the white clouds and cool breeze. The whole world seems so clear. It almost makes me feel like nothing could possibly be hiding from me that I couldn't seek out and find. I spent some time sitting by the fireplace in the MU reading Candide and wondering about life. It was really beautiful. On my way there I was feeling sort of depressed (see second paragraph) and then a little kid almost ran into me and it immediately changed me mood. My skin still smells like salt from the pool last night. The rain didn't wash it all off. Thank God.

The jacket I'm wearing doesn't really fit me properly. If I put my arms out it feels really tight at my shoulders. But I'm wearing it anyway because I like how it looks. And even if it's not always comfortable, at least I'm comforted by the fact that it makes me feel good. This is a metaphor.

Last night I ran around downtown phx dressed as a cow. Don't believe me? I got picture evidence. It was really fun to act like a complete idiot. I also got to see almost every high school friend I had last night at Chris' show. Oh, and drunk Howie Mandel was there too, grinding on a heavyset woman and dancing with his chest hair wafting with every motion of his arms. Awesome.

Life is hard. It seems like everywhere I turn there is pain. Things are up and down for everyone. I wonder if we will ever really find what we are looking for, and if we'll even know it when we see it.

Tonight is my sister's birthday party. Should be applebach-tacular.

I wonder if self-discovery is ever intentional. It seems more like something that just happens. The circumstances of life act upon us and we discover what we’re made of or who we are. Life is like a river cutting a canyon through the bedrock of our souls. But what I cannot decide is whether we are predisposed to the river carving certain twists and beds where it meets harder or softer rock, or whether our final appearance is determined by the course the river takes.

I am of two minds: first, it seems to me that we are all instilled with a personality that pervades throughout our entire existence and life slowly reveals it a little at a time. That is, we are sculptures already existing within the marble block, just waiting to be revealed. I believe this because I feel that certain qualities were instilled within me from birth. Even as a child my parents tell me I exhibited many of the same qualities I currently possess. In this case, I am what I am. I am unalterable in any appreciable way and as the river of life erodes deeper and deeper into the bedrock, it will expose that which was always waiting to be exposed. Self-discovery is simply a matter of waiting and watching.

But then again, my temperament has obviously changed over time. Day by day I feel that I have a better handle on my emotions, that I think differently this year than I did last year. I’ve become less cynical, more hopeful. I’ve been transformed by the renewing of my mind. In this case, I can be anything. I am a ball of wax that can be melted, molded. I can change color, scent, appearance. Opaque one day, transparent the next. I am change.

Whatever the case, I am a man of extremes learning to find moderation. I see black and white, and the world is grey. It needs not be one or the other. Maybe it is both. The river changes course and can encounter weak spots of rock which are more easily shaped. Does life reveal myself to me or create me? It doesn’t really matter.