I am in Purgatory. I am being given the chance to really let go of my will and embrace the will of God. I do not want to do it. I want only what I want. I cannot see down the road. He can. I did not create myself. He created me. I have no other option but to surrender. I have to sacrifice this. I have to put it on the alter because it will quickly become between Him and me if I don't. Maybe I'm overspiritualizing this, but I don't have any other option. If I don't see this through a spiritual lense I will never surrender it. And I must. Not because of what she doesn't requite, but because of what He requires. In the past I was in Hell and had no choice in the matter. Now I have a chance to choose Him and step toward the denial of myself and sanctification. I keep asking why You gave these to me, now I know it was so I'd have something to give back.

I'm not sure if this will be like pulling off a band-aid or crashing a car. Either way, I don't want to look.

I need to get out, I need to get out.

Oh God, I don't want to get out.

Dude.

Haven't done this in a while. Blogging, that is. Then again, I haven't typed anything in a while. Probably why I'm so slow at it. I've been reading Sir Trenton Bowen's blog from Ghana (radical stuff, by the way) and it has inspired me to perhaps share a bit of what my life has been like over the past seven weeks. So my official title is Lost Canyon Property Intern-Ropes. This basically means that day to day I am responsible for the safe and effective operation of Lost Canyon's high ropes elements, namely the Ropes Course, Zip Line, Pamper Pole, Climbing Tower (better known as The Heist) and Giant Swing. I love what I do. I daily get to see the Lord shape the lives of kids by meeting them in the most vulnerable and terrifying situations and walking beside them or guiding their steps. But I think what is more important than what I get to see God doing in kid's lives is what I get to hear. I have never really been the kind of person who heard God as any kind of audible voice. God typically has guided me through some kind of internal leanings or desires and through advice given by people who love me. But recently God has spoken to me differently, and the things He has had to say as of late have been far more simple. As I attempt to do my job and lead kid's to the feet of Jesus through the ropes elements, there are certain things that I hear myself say, or that I hear others say that God wants me to hear. It's as though the Spirit were simply whispering to me to listen to what is being said and hear it as God's word, spoken to me.

"Just look at one thing at a time. Don't get overwhelmed by looking ahead."
"Here's my hand if you need it."
"I know it looks scary, but you just have to trust me to catch you."
"You're stronger than you think."

I have heard the words of God daily.

Let us just be honest. None of us really has a sense of direction. "You are a mist that appears for a while and then vanishes." Whatever we do, we do it because we have been given a desire. Where the desire comes from is the significant part. Some desires we have are of the flesh, or the uncircumcised heart, or the body of death. This Law of Sin that is present within us is the root of all discord, and has only the power that we allow it. The more weight I ascribe to this Law, the stronger it is, and the more attractive it seems, and the deeper I am buried underneath it. This is my experience. Other desires come from the breath of life, or the sacred love, or the circumcised heart. This is the Law of the Spirit, from which, and through which, and to which we experience the sanctification of our lives and will experience the glorification of our bodies. It is the desires given to us by the Law of the Spirit that lead us to life, eternal life, in the fullest. What we obey is up to us.

Note: If this seems confused, contradictory, senseless, you may be onto something. I am trying to make it seem so. I am trying to embellish the sense of conflict this whole "Spiritual Mess" has left within me. And I am trying to practice speaking in terms and phrases and sentences that do not naturally lend themselves to being grouped together. And I am trying to eviscerate my thoughts so that they may be examined separately, and their connections made known. Bear with me.

I cannot fathom how I managed to miss all this. God’s sovereignty is shouted through His word and His creation and yet I have refused to see it. I have ignored it as though I had some measure of power that I might exercise over the circumstances of this world. I have complained about injustice and suffering as though my perceptions and definitions of such happenings were the standards by which the God of the Universe would be compelled to act. “Who are you, O man, to talk back to God?”

No. It cannot be so. As the serpent says, “You surely will not die.” It can’t be this way. I must be in control. I must decide what is just and unjust. Right and wrong must depend on my own intuitions. [Maybe this is the cause of all ambiguity and disagreement concerning moral reasoning?] Even now I feel this tension. I AM NOT GOD. But it is my desire to be that is the blackest part of me. It is not insulting my brother or the lustful look that marks me guilty. It is that urge to take God’s place that marks me a sinner.

But thanks be to God that His justice reigns and not mine. For otherwise I would obtain what I deserve. The only road to salvation is that I lay aside my view of justice and accept that God is in control. For if God subscribed to my view, I would surely perish. But with God as the ruler, He has decided to make known His Glory by preparing me, a vessel worthy of destruction, to be glorified through His Mercy and the sacrifice of His Son. “From Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the Glory forever!”

It seems we all become what we hate.

I have not felt this satisfied with my existence in quite a long stretch of time. Truly, most assuredly, it is the gift of God. I simply cannot produce this state of peace and rest of my own accord. When I attempt to it is hallow, it is weak, and it is often quickly shattered by those who wish to keep me always striving and never arriving at a location that does not exist, and if it did I would not really want to be there.

Now I can move in all directions, but I only want to move in one. I have every possibility open, yet there is only one door I step through. That which has bound me no longer binds me, and I am free to be be bound to another. Ah, such fantastic contradiction! We are never free until we give up our freedom. We never live unless we first die. I have always seen this, but only now do I perceive it. I have always heard, and never understood. Now I find myself rejoicing in how I have been crafted and squeezing out every drop of myself, not to be empty, but to be full.