My last entry (well, my last real entry) had a heavy Kierkegaardian influence. I say influence because it was mostly the subject matter that had been affected. The style was, well, the style was something like his, but much less sophisticated (or maybe I'm confusing sophistication for confusion?) But the whole idea of faith, and what it is, and where it comes from, and what it's good for, and how you lose it, and how it might grow or wither, and what it's opposite is, and how it might change me or how I might change it is all of primary importance to my mind (soul?) right now.

I guess we use the word in different senses. Sometimes we say faith to mean a person's religious (spiritual?) beliefs. Faith becomes synonymous with religion perhaps because we see one as a product of the other. It can go backwards or forwards. But I think that one can have faith without religion, and one can practice religion and never really have faith. /And so quickly I am taken from my first place and placed somewhere else entirely in my mind. Are there two halves of me?, am I missing one? What is this stress and tension that wills me to tears? It is a black hand reaching into and gripping the very heart of me. So often I feel the jolts as It merely flicks It's wrist and stirs me from my thoughts and carries me away. My incessant distraction to keep me from thinking all worthwhile thoughts. My malicious demon of the utmost power and cunning. It has got...It has got... Suddenly I know not what I say, I know not where I am. I can neither move forward nor keep from looking back. All my focus is within and helpless. I am helpless. So every great thing I might become forgets what it has been doing. These men are all now just confused and displaced, unable to see their beginning or their goal and so stuck trying to assemble the pieces of each others puzzles that are all a jumble and mixed in with the rest. So one might now take another's path and find it useless and still another might take the paths of two others and now they have nowhere to go. They grope around in darkness. Where was I? Where was I? I do pity them.

My internal monologue: I should write a blog post. Nah.

Let's get one thing straight: time does not heal anything. Sure, everyone says it does, hell, even I say it does. But time does not do the healing. Time is the medium through which healing is allowed to take place. It is a necessary piece of the equation, but it is not central. On second thought, it is not a piece of the equation. It is merely the paper on which the equation is written. We cannot help but factor it in because we are trapped within it. Now my thought is in proper order.

The equation of healing is about faith and understanding. The two are interconnected, so that the one is necessary for the other. This can often make it difficult to get the equation started. One might ask "where should I get this faith?" and the answer is "through understanding." Next one asks "but where should I get this understanding?" and the reply "through faith." And so it cannot come from within us. One must first come from the outside and from it the other can follow, either from us working it out or from it being similarly implanted or imparted.

For me first came faith. This is the faith that God's hand is at work in my life to shape me and mold me and bring me to the realization that I am first and foremost a son, and all other things secondarily. This is a faith that does not come from any of my own abilities. Truly, the more I tried to cause it within myself, the farther it seemed to be from me (for citation see all previous posts).

Following faith is understanding. This is the understanding of what it means to be first and foremost a son, and all other things secondarily. My understanding has come as a hybrid of implantation and basic deduction. Understanding being a son leads to deeper faith and deeper faith leads to better understanding of being a son.

This model of healing is a skeleton at best. But bear with me. It is a fresh concept for me. The terms are defined in a hazy manner, and the connections may be tenuous in places, but at least it's a start. And you gotta start somewhere.