Let us just be honest. None of us really has a sense of direction. "You are a mist that appears for a while and then vanishes." Whatever we do, we do it because we have been given a desire. Where the desire comes from is the significant part. Some desires we have are of the flesh, or the uncircumcised heart, or the body of death. This Law of Sin that is present within us is the root of all discord, and has only the power that we allow it. The more weight I ascribe to this Law, the stronger it is, and the more attractive it seems, and the deeper I am buried underneath it. This is my experience. Other desires come from the breath of life, or the sacred love, or the circumcised heart. This is the Law of the Spirit, from which, and through which, and to which we experience the sanctification of our lives and will experience the glorification of our bodies. It is the desires given to us by the Law of the Spirit that lead us to life, eternal life, in the fullest. What we obey is up to us.

Note: If this seems confused, contradictory, senseless, you may be onto something. I am trying to make it seem so. I am trying to embellish the sense of conflict this whole "Spiritual Mess" has left within me. And I am trying to practice speaking in terms and phrases and sentences that do not naturally lend themselves to being grouped together. And I am trying to eviscerate my thoughts so that they may be examined separately, and their connections made known. Bear with me.

I cannot fathom how I managed to miss all this. God’s sovereignty is shouted through His word and His creation and yet I have refused to see it. I have ignored it as though I had some measure of power that I might exercise over the circumstances of this world. I have complained about injustice and suffering as though my perceptions and definitions of such happenings were the standards by which the God of the Universe would be compelled to act. “Who are you, O man, to talk back to God?”

No. It cannot be so. As the serpent says, “You surely will not die.” It can’t be this way. I must be in control. I must decide what is just and unjust. Right and wrong must depend on my own intuitions. [Maybe this is the cause of all ambiguity and disagreement concerning moral reasoning?] Even now I feel this tension. I AM NOT GOD. But it is my desire to be that is the blackest part of me. It is not insulting my brother or the lustful look that marks me guilty. It is that urge to take God’s place that marks me a sinner.

But thanks be to God that His justice reigns and not mine. For otherwise I would obtain what I deserve. The only road to salvation is that I lay aside my view of justice and accept that God is in control. For if God subscribed to my view, I would surely perish. But with God as the ruler, He has decided to make known His Glory by preparing me, a vessel worthy of destruction, to be glorified through His Mercy and the sacrifice of His Son. “From Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the Glory forever!”

It seems we all become what we hate.

I have not felt this satisfied with my existence in quite a long stretch of time. Truly, most assuredly, it is the gift of God. I simply cannot produce this state of peace and rest of my own accord. When I attempt to it is hallow, it is weak, and it is often quickly shattered by those who wish to keep me always striving and never arriving at a location that does not exist, and if it did I would not really want to be there.

Now I can move in all directions, but I only want to move in one. I have every possibility open, yet there is only one door I step through. That which has bound me no longer binds me, and I am free to be be bound to another. Ah, such fantastic contradiction! We are never free until we give up our freedom. We never live unless we first die. I have always seen this, but only now do I perceive it. I have always heard, and never understood. Now I find myself rejoicing in how I have been crafted and squeezing out every drop of myself, not to be empty, but to be full.

Now you hear me, Barn Swallow; you hear me. All this madness must now come to its end. You cannot simply go flitting about all the time, all the while I remain in my place (I remain chained to my place). Each and every time you tuck and twirl it only reminds me that I am bound. And I do not care for your freedom. No, I do not rejoice in you, nor do I despise you for what you possess. I only despise what you possess because it rings my chains. I do not want to be like you. I do not want to be like me.

Note: who could have known? Not I. I could not have known what a Barn Swallow really was, what a Barn Swallow really meant. Or maybe the hidden places of me are more clever than I thought.

Someday there may be brought about a woman who loves me enough to ask me how I came into these scars. And if I love her I will tell her. But if I love her I will not want to tell her. All I can do is everything I can to make it the case that they are indeed scars, and not wounds.

Not all these were spoken by me. Not all these were spoken to me. All of these speak to me.

"She is your sister. You are supposed to protect her."

"Maybe this sword has an inside edge so that I might be forced to use it precisely, and not merely hack about wildly with it for fear of cutting myself."

"What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!"

"Drunken words are sober thoughts."

"Shielding myself from the feeling of death does not make me any more alive."

"God is easy to please, but hard to satisfy."

"There may come a time when you will not be able to pull yourself close enough to the ground. But it is not this time. Stand up."

"Jesus was not a great moral teacher. He is the Great Judge."

"In the greatest battle of your life you may never fire a shot. Sometimes it is merely a matter of holding your ground. You may not be required to take any."

"You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness."

"Put your full commitment into following the orders of the Living Commander, believing fully in Him, and do not be distracted by orders of the Dead Commander."