How interesting. There are many things I've done that I'm not proud of. I could weep. I could promise myself a million things and break a million and one promises. I just want to feel my spirit move once more. I want to roll down the windows of my life and put my hand out into the breathing air. I can almost feel the exuberance I had in those days. I miss what you were to me. I miss what you made me believe about this world. Maybe I'll believe it again. Then again, maybe I'll find a way to shatter something good once more.

There are many things that are not my fault. But I'll blame myself anyway. It's more comfortable to go on thinking I'm a destroyer than to believe that sad things just happen. If I'm evil I can be forgiven and I can change. If the world is just sad then that's the way things will always be. Why would I wake up to that world tomorrow?

"While the sinners sin, the children play."

I'm sorry I hurt you. I had to do it. I couldn't handle my own pain.

"We will burn for this. We will both of us burn."

Life has been crazy lately. This past weekend I witnessed the marriages of two very important women in my life. Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Barcleezy and Mr. and Mrs. Landeezy. Both weddings made me think a lot about my life and what the future holds for me. It was beautiful. Anne led me so much throughout my high school life, and I can truly say that the Lord used her instrumentally in making me the man I am today. Courtney has always been a guiding voice and example of what it means to go where you are called to go. Mike's love for her is all-encompassing and is really amazing to watch. I'm excited for both couples.

Getting to hang out with my brothers during all the wedding madness was really awesome. They are some of the funniest people I know, and I feel so blessed to consider my brothers among my best friends. I know many people are not so fortunate, so I thank God for them every chance I get.

Many awesome things are coming up for me as well. There is a strong possibility that I'll be playing guitar for Red Letter Drive in the near future. I'm pretty stoked for that. Their new recording is bomb, and I think with lots of hard work that band could become a force to be reckoned with locally, if not nationally (I'll keep my fingers crossed, for caleb's sake). It's going to be fun to rock out with those dudes and build a name with them. Also, I learned today that I am officially on summer staff at lost canyon from May 22 to June 21. I'm really excited for that. The Lord has always used my time at Lost Canyon to do serious work in my life, and I am certain He will continue that trend this summer. Also, I've heard that as of now the summer staff for that session consists of 4 guys and around 24 girls. Now, I would never go into something like this looking for a relationship, but those sound like good odds for me to meet some really cool girls.

Furthermore, everytime the song "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. comes up on shuffle I let it play. I NEVER skip it. Just thought I'd let you know.

It's much better that we're strangers now.

So, I'm officially on spring break. woo. So far the only thing I've done is have a jam session with my two younger brothers. Look out Jo-Bros.

Lord, You mean everything to me. I lay my life down at Your feet.

Good Lord.

I wasn't sure if I'd make it through this day. Several times I almost broke down. I'm not sure how I'm possibly holding all this together, so I must not be. I'm running strictly on the Love of Christ at this point, and that's fine with me. He's guiding me through everything, I know that now. It doesn't make it easy but it does make it good. I'm learning to be comfortable in my own skin. It's a lesson that's been a long time coming. I am what I am (Freakin' Ellison) and the sooner I just embrace it, the better off I'll be. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. Without it we cannot function. We get bogged down in "what if's" and "shouldas" and "I wish".

For the past few days I haven't been interested much in moving on. I wanted to live in the past, reliving the things that once were. Or I wanted to live in some kind of fabricated future where I made all the rules and everything always went my way. Both of those led me straight to Hell. I just want to take things as they come.

I will be eternally grateful to everyone who is continuing to hold me together day by day. You may not realize it, but you are saving my life.

This is why family is so important to me. Someone once remarked to me about my connection with my family that I should "cut the cord". I'm glad that person is not in my life anymore. It seems they didn't really know me. Friends and relationships come and go (as, in fact, this one did) but my family will always be my family. No matter what, they will always have my best interest at heart. They will always look out for me, even if I'm not looking out for myself. I love that I have such a strong connection with my family. It's part of who I am.

Isn't interesting that we often cannot see what we really are, but those close to us can always seem to see the beautiful things about us. I think my inability to see my own strengths has often led me into the bouts of depression I sometimes struggle with as well as my general lack of self esteem.

It wasn't until my brother pointed it out that I really understood how much justice means to me. That word has so much power. And I never really noticed how much I value peace between people. The older I get, the stronger pull of those two forces becomes in my life. I feel that is why I feel such a strong pull toward the law. The law secures peace and provides a means for justice against those who would destroy that peace. I want to be a part of that. And I feel that the Lord has equipped me to do so. The fact that I can be argumentative, stubborn, and that I am skeptical of the nature of people are attributes that can make me a useful tool in preserving peace and ensuring justice.

Someone told me today that I look "rugged".

Part of me enjoys talking to homeless men. While everyone else attempts to mask their misery in happiness or their happiness in misery, vagrants wear themselves on their sleeves. They’ve nothing to hide, and always seem willing to share their story. Outside a Jack In The Box in Newport Beach I met just such a man. Though he was obviously unstable, he said two words that gave me what Eric Susser would call a “huh?” moment. After telling me about how his wife divorced him and how he had to leave Washington to keep himself from killing his mentally retarded son-in-law, he said “No regrets”. Now I don’t really know if that’s something he tells himself to make life easier or if he truly doesn’t regret anything in life, but the fact that he is even able to consider the possibility that he had lived his sixty years without doing anything his would take back got me thinking.

I regret lots of things. But I suppose that I mostly regret the outcome of my decisions more than the fact that I made those decisions. I wish things had turned out differently for us, but I don’t really believe I could have done anything to change what happened.

Today for the first time I think I really understood that part of me is Evil. I’ve always known and never disputed the fact that I do bad things or have done bad things, but today I noticed that it’s more than just doing the wrong thing because I’m ignorant of the right thing or because I made an honest mistake. Today I caught myself wanting to cause emotional harm to someone just for the sake of making them miserable. I want to be a black hole sucking everyone else in. It’s interesting for me to explore the duality of my nature. I know that most of the time I want to see good done, I want peace and justice. But when I desire what is right and still I must suffer, I get angry. And I want to bring everyone down with me. When I feel alone I want everyone to feel alone. I’m full of darkness.

I'm falling asleep to the sound of the ocean tonight. Seems that everything is going to be ok.