Good Lord.

I wasn't sure if I'd make it through this day. Several times I almost broke down. I'm not sure how I'm possibly holding all this together, so I must not be. I'm running strictly on the Love of Christ at this point, and that's fine with me. He's guiding me through everything, I know that now. It doesn't make it easy but it does make it good. I'm learning to be comfortable in my own skin. It's a lesson that's been a long time coming. I am what I am (Freakin' Ellison) and the sooner I just embrace it, the better off I'll be. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. Without it we cannot function. We get bogged down in "what if's" and "shouldas" and "I wish".

For the past few days I haven't been interested much in moving on. I wanted to live in the past, reliving the things that once were. Or I wanted to live in some kind of fabricated future where I made all the rules and everything always went my way. Both of those led me straight to Hell. I just want to take things as they come.

I will be eternally grateful to everyone who is continuing to hold me together day by day. You may not realize it, but you are saving my life.

This is why family is so important to me. Someone once remarked to me about my connection with my family that I should "cut the cord". I'm glad that person is not in my life anymore. It seems they didn't really know me. Friends and relationships come and go (as, in fact, this one did) but my family will always be my family. No matter what, they will always have my best interest at heart. They will always look out for me, even if I'm not looking out for myself. I love that I have such a strong connection with my family. It's part of who I am.

Isn't interesting that we often cannot see what we really are, but those close to us can always seem to see the beautiful things about us. I think my inability to see my own strengths has often led me into the bouts of depression I sometimes struggle with as well as my general lack of self esteem.

It wasn't until my brother pointed it out that I really understood how much justice means to me. That word has so much power. And I never really noticed how much I value peace between people. The older I get, the stronger pull of those two forces becomes in my life. I feel that is why I feel such a strong pull toward the law. The law secures peace and provides a means for justice against those who would destroy that peace. I want to be a part of that. And I feel that the Lord has equipped me to do so. The fact that I can be argumentative, stubborn, and that I am skeptical of the nature of people are attributes that can make me a useful tool in preserving peace and ensuring justice.

Someone told me today that I look "rugged".

Part of me enjoys talking to homeless men. While everyone else attempts to mask their misery in happiness or their happiness in misery, vagrants wear themselves on their sleeves. They’ve nothing to hide, and always seem willing to share their story. Outside a Jack In The Box in Newport Beach I met just such a man. Though he was obviously unstable, he said two words that gave me what Eric Susser would call a “huh?” moment. After telling me about how his wife divorced him and how he had to leave Washington to keep himself from killing his mentally retarded son-in-law, he said “No regrets”. Now I don’t really know if that’s something he tells himself to make life easier or if he truly doesn’t regret anything in life, but the fact that he is even able to consider the possibility that he had lived his sixty years without doing anything his would take back got me thinking.

I regret lots of things. But I suppose that I mostly regret the outcome of my decisions more than the fact that I made those decisions. I wish things had turned out differently for us, but I don’t really believe I could have done anything to change what happened.

Today for the first time I think I really understood that part of me is Evil. I’ve always known and never disputed the fact that I do bad things or have done bad things, but today I noticed that it’s more than just doing the wrong thing because I’m ignorant of the right thing or because I made an honest mistake. Today I caught myself wanting to cause emotional harm to someone just for the sake of making them miserable. I want to be a black hole sucking everyone else in. It’s interesting for me to explore the duality of my nature. I know that most of the time I want to see good done, I want peace and justice. But when I desire what is right and still I must suffer, I get angry. And I want to bring everyone down with me. When I feel alone I want everyone to feel alone. I’m full of darkness.

I'm falling asleep to the sound of the ocean tonight. Seems that everything is going to be ok.

I feel like I'm driving through a series of hills. I go up and down frequently throughout each day. But the highs are starting to feel higher and the lows are coming less frequently. I think this is how the process goes. I'm just learning. But I'm also learning that I love my friends. And I love that my personality dictates that I surround myself with a small group that I can grow to know deeply. I've never really had a large group of friends, and sometimes that bothers me. But now I'm learning that I'd feel really alone right now if I had that. I wouldn't have the people that I can turn to with anything in my life. I'm learning each day that God made me the way He did for a reason, and I should cherish it instead of wishing I were something else.

I am bearing witness to life acted out on a stage. I reach out and my fingertips graze the edge of the actress' dress as she twirls about on her toes. She's graceful and sad. I'm breathless and colorless. I'm drugged and dragged through each scene. I slump back in my chair and my mouth hangs open. I, I...


My God, my life is in your hands. Go easy on me?

I loved you.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said,

“My son, the battle is between two “wolves” inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied,

“The one you feed.”