I wanted to find some time to write something before I left. I guess I found it. I suppose I'm looking for something. I don't think it's an answer, I think it's more like something to hold fast against. I think I need something to help my define myself; some stability. I need a rescue. I don't need cliches. I know where it is, I just need to find it. God help me.

This won't have a happy ending. You won't be able to wash this away with a shower. I've become judge and jury. Might as well take a good look now while you still can. Nothing I say means anything. What's it gonna take for you to believe that?

Look, I don't really have anything to say. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm choking all the time. It's sort of like there is something stuck in the back of my throat that I can't get out. I just thought that me one year ago is better than me today. So far I like 2008 austin better than 2009 austin. 2008 austin had more going for him, I think. Who am I kidding, 2008 austin would have said the same thing about 2007 austin. I'll have to find someway to just be content with the thought that I'll never be content. I'm never gonna be what I want to be, because what I want to be is something different. And at the same time, change sucks. Freshman year is over and I'm not happy. I'm not happy. Good thing too, 'cuz I'm boring when I'm happy. Want proof? Read my livejournals from senior year. Boring as hell. Happy people are always too caught up in their own happiness to worry about telling other people about it. Sad people are much less self-centered. They give their emotions out freely. At least, I do. I think I'm a pretty transparent guy. I don't think I like that though. I can't take it as a compliment because I said it about myself. I won't think it's true or a good thing until someone else says it to me. Who do you trust? I trust strangers more than I trust myself. And apparently I trust myself much more than I trust God. Seems kinda like an upside down pyramid, don't it? I'm not sure where I am. I'll tell you what you wanna know, but you'll have to ask first. I think it's funny when people try to make fun of "emo kids" by saying things like "no one understands me". They say it like everyone understands them. But no one does. And if someone claimed to, they'd probably get mad and say something like "you don't know me" and act all tough like nails. But how well can we really know each other? You could know me for my whole life and never "figure me out". And that's not because I think I'm such a complex and wonderful guy, it's because what I am is always changing. I don't think the same way today as I did yesterday. So maybe love isn't about finding the "right person" who "really gets me" and "loves me for who I am". Maybe it's about finding someone who will somehow adore every different person I become. And if she's a total hottie, that helps too. Man, beauty is such a fleeting thing. Everyone who's "a total knockout" today will someday be old and ugly or old and dead. And no one will care what they used to look like. But we're still hopelessly impaled on the things that catch our eyes. I can't look away. The world is Sodom, and I'm a pillar of salt. My glasses have smudges all over them. It makes everything blurry. But for some reason I haven't cleaned them off. I like that it adds a different perspective to everything. Somethimes I think that I'll one day grow up and everything in my life will flatline. I won't have these ups and downs and everything will just be consistent. I don't know, that doesn't sound like it's really that likely. Speaking of senses, I hate smell. I hate it because it does more harm to me than good. It makes me remember all these things I just want to forget. And not just events or details like lying in bed or what her hair smelt like, but feelings like how everything was just so safe. But it's just memories now, and it's not worth a damn. Couldn't trade 'em for a paperclip. Not in this economy anyway. Apparently, things are rough. Other people know this from looking at the numbers that follow "INDU" on TV or in the newspapers or by the numbers in their bank accounts. I know this by people's faces at gas stations or in grocery stores when their kids ask for a candy bar. The good news is, things go up and down. Things can't stay like this forever. And even if they do, it'll just become the norm and Hershey's will stop making candy bars. I can get used to anything. Even life. Even life without candy bars. It all just glosses over.

Dig in deep to bring back everything you've buried.
It means much more to drop all the hate you've carried.

Blind all the cameras and drop all the pens,
Step backwards, green eyes open.

If nothing else, at the very least, and for the sake of waking,
give me something to stop the shaking.

There's a difference between being over and moving on,
But I fear without the pain life's no fun.

I started writing something here, but decided to work on it a little more. Sorry.

How interesting. There are many things I've done that I'm not proud of. I could weep. I could promise myself a million things and break a million and one promises. I just want to feel my spirit move once more. I want to roll down the windows of my life and put my hand out into the breathing air. I can almost feel the exuberance I had in those days. I miss what you were to me. I miss what you made me believe about this world. Maybe I'll believe it again. Then again, maybe I'll find a way to shatter something good once more.

There are many things that are not my fault. But I'll blame myself anyway. It's more comfortable to go on thinking I'm a destroyer than to believe that sad things just happen. If I'm evil I can be forgiven and I can change. If the world is just sad then that's the way things will always be. Why would I wake up to that world tomorrow?

"While the sinners sin, the children play."

I'm sorry I hurt you. I had to do it. I couldn't handle my own pain.

"We will burn for this. We will both of us burn."

Life has been crazy lately. This past weekend I witnessed the marriages of two very important women in my life. Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Barcleezy and Mr. and Mrs. Landeezy. Both weddings made me think a lot about my life and what the future holds for me. It was beautiful. Anne led me so much throughout my high school life, and I can truly say that the Lord used her instrumentally in making me the man I am today. Courtney has always been a guiding voice and example of what it means to go where you are called to go. Mike's love for her is all-encompassing and is really amazing to watch. I'm excited for both couples.

Getting to hang out with my brothers during all the wedding madness was really awesome. They are some of the funniest people I know, and I feel so blessed to consider my brothers among my best friends. I know many people are not so fortunate, so I thank God for them every chance I get.

Many awesome things are coming up for me as well. There is a strong possibility that I'll be playing guitar for Red Letter Drive in the near future. I'm pretty stoked for that. Their new recording is bomb, and I think with lots of hard work that band could become a force to be reckoned with locally, if not nationally (I'll keep my fingers crossed, for caleb's sake). It's going to be fun to rock out with those dudes and build a name with them. Also, I learned today that I am officially on summer staff at lost canyon from May 22 to June 21. I'm really excited for that. The Lord has always used my time at Lost Canyon to do serious work in my life, and I am certain He will continue that trend this summer. Also, I've heard that as of now the summer staff for that session consists of 4 guys and around 24 girls. Now, I would never go into something like this looking for a relationship, but those sound like good odds for me to meet some really cool girls.

Furthermore, everytime the song "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. comes up on shuffle I let it play. I NEVER skip it. Just thought I'd let you know.

It's much better that we're strangers now.